Thursday, September 3, 2009

The world would be a better place if I were Walmart's CEO

In a lot of ways, being a mom is like running a corporation. You are at the top of the chain of command, in charge of people (even if they're short people), dealing with budgets, people aren't always happy with your decisions ....

It is because of this that I feel I am highly qualified to say "Executives at Walmart! Heed my advice! You are doing it all wrong!"

So what if they're the country's biggest retailer? I'm sure I know more than them.

Walmart draws us in. They suck us in with the alluring prices which let's face it, just can't be beat. And if they CAN be beat, Walmart will price match. So there you have it. Walmart is unstoppable.

When I do venture to Walmart, which admittedly isn't terribly often, I am SO happy, dare I say jovial as I cruise the aisles, dropping deals into my cart. Sure, I have to dodge the other bargain hunters (which always makes me think of how people should be taught proper shopping cart etiquette) but I am so happy that stuff there is so cheap. Cheap cheap cheap!!

As I shop there, I am Walmart's happiest customer!

Look! $2 t-shirts for the boys!

Oh my gosh, I have never see cereal so cheap!

Wow! They sell fishing rods! (Kidding about that one.)

Then, I go to checkout. And it's all downhill from there.

Why, WHY, I ask you is there only one single solitary checkout lane open at any given time? Walmart has scores of checkout lanes, all with their lights dim save one little glistening beacon with hordes of people crowding towards it. After you shop until you drop and load all of their inexpensive goodies into your germ infested cart, you want to pay (so long as you're not a clepto). But your choices are a) to stand in line longer than the one for Britney tickets of b) use self checkout.

Now I have a thing against self checkout. Even if I knew how to weigh my own onions (which I don't) self checkout is bad for America inasmuch as it takes away jobs. It's a bad economy, people NEED jobs, so I say Walmart should forgo a little bit of its zillion dollar profit and hire actual people to do the checking out. It makes me angry that Walmart won't spring for cashiers--they can afford it! So in protest, I boycott self checkout save for extreme cases--plus I don't like to work for free. Especially since they did hire ONE person to stare at the four people using the four self checkout lanes. And BOY, does he look like he loves his job.

So off I go to the regular, mile long line. Whilst I wait, my happiness over cheap deals turns to anger. Rage! I begin to wish I'd checked my watch when my wait began, as I am certain I spend more time waiting in line than I did shopping for the items that fill my overflowing cart.

I stand there, inching forward, and watch people argue with the cashier over something they're price matching. Soon there are three blue vested employees trying to explain to this woman that she can't buy her 11 oz. Tresseme hair spray for $1.99 because Target's ad is for the 4 oz. version. I start to wonder why they have three people to explain price matching and not three people running registers so I can get the hell out of there.

Next in line is a couple with their two year old child. They had jugs and jugs of varying beverages, and very little else. The interesting thing to me though is that all they are buying are drinks like Kool-Aid, Sunny-D, Hawaiian Punch... no REAL juice or milk. What kind of parent spends all that money on junk drinks? What is the point? Kids freakin' love real juice and it's actually good for them. Oh well, at least they're not trying to price match.

When it's finally my turn, I'm so hungry from waiting in line for an hour that I'm ready to rip open the box of Cheerios as I load it on the belt. I manage to restrain myself. I pay in between loading the white bags into my cart, and barely fit the last one in before stashing my newly purchased box of diapers below the cart.

Finally! I am free of this place...

Or so I thought.

The "Greeter" at the door is also apparently the police and wants to see my receipt for the box of diapers. I guess the mountain of bagged groceries isn't enough to assume that I've paid. As I dig out my receipt, someone sets of the alarm as they leave. Interestingly they weren't stopped. What do you make of that? Do I look like a shady diaper thief?

Every time I go to Walmart, I vow not to return. I sincerely think they'd actually MAKE more money by hiring cashiers because I for one would shop there more often. They'd sure make some more money off of me!


Rachel said...

I say the same thing every single time I go there. I prefer Target, I will pay the extra $10 for a little more of my sanity...because I need every bit of it.

mikeg said...

my wife stay far away from this place for exactly the very reasons you list. great post!

Amber Greenawalt said...

You just wrote about my life!!! Everything you said has played out exactly like that time and again!!! Why do I keep going back again and again and again...It all falls apart at checkout!!!

Gigi said...

Amen, amen!! Hate the place - make a point of never going there if I can help it. I'll vote for you to be in charge.

Jennifer said...

Well, shady diaper thief - you are hilarious! Visiting from Mama Kat's. I'll definately be back, thanks for the laugh!

Grammy Suzzy and DJ Doran said...

Oh, my goodness, I can hardly believe that someone else feels the same way I do and has had the same experiences. It's like they think we should feel honored to shop in their store, so we should be willing to wait, to be frisked on exit, etc. I don't understand why other retailers are so worried...with double coupons,etc. I try to only buy the minimum at Wally World!

MommyBrain said...

Oh, I feel like I could've written this exact same post ... I cannot - will not - step foot inside a Walmart ... check-out lines like that scream disrespect to their customers, and I won't tolerate it!

Stopping by from WW this week :)

Miss. Candy said...

I so agree!!! I am always stopped at the door and of course by that time I have no clue what pocket or pouch I stashed my proof of purchase in, because I was to busy making sure my kids didn't accidently make off with any of the register "eye-candy" they were fondling as I was saying, "NO"!

Anonymous said...

Good post and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you seeking your information.

Anonymous said...

Brim over I assent to but I about the post should acquire more info then it has.