Devastation and Gratitude

Our friends JP and Kim had what is arguably the most fun wedding we'd ever attended. It took place in Key West and had so many unique qualities about it that I won't go into right now... But what is perhaps most important aspect of their celebration is it totally had the feeling of JP and Kim in every detail--it was young, cool, unique, warm, and comfortable. It was a great time with memories that will honestly last a lifetime (including but not limited to the fact that I was pregnant with Mason at the time and during the toasts was the first time I felt him move).

They were married for several years before announcing that they were having their first baby. Excitement was had by all! After all, who would make better parents than the phenomenal people who make up the phenomenal couple that is JP and Kim?

Today, on our way home from our weekend in Tampa, Rey got the phone call that Kim had an emergency c-section last night and lost their baby girl. Her due date was this weekend. Such a god awful tragedy couldn't have fallen on less deserving people. My heart aches. It breaks.

I can't help but feel ungrateful.

I traveled through my shock and acknowledged my need for gratitude in my life. Everything I think about makes me feel spoiled and confused.

We sat in silence most of the way home, the boys were sleeping and Lila was crying off and on. "I am here listening to my baby cry and they never got to hear theirs even once." Why?

I carried Lila into the house tonight and thought, "This should be Kim, 14 months from now, with her baby on her hip." Why?

Before tucking Lila in her bed we rocked in her nursery and I thought how Kim will be sitting in an empty nursery, grieving. Why?

I imagine her next few days in the hospital... hearing other newborns crying; having to leave the hospital with empty arms; when her milk comes in as a painful reminder... so many reminders of what they lost.

Unfair.

It is so hard to understand the meaning of these things, if there is one. I have thankfully never felt the pain they are in right now. But to sit and look at all I have been given makes me realize even more how much has been taken away from others.

I will be more grateful, for I am very lucky.

In Memory of Baby Lola...