Friday, March 12, 2010

Gifts and Guilt

Today it rained. A lot. I thought about trying to build an arc, but then I remembered I am no good with a hammer and nails.

A rainy day is a blessing and a curse.

It's a curse because it sucks every ounce of motivation out of me, right down to my bones.

It's a curse because I have three children, so if I am to leave the house I am also to get soaked.

Then comes the blessing.

I'm so unmotivated that I do nothing.

I'm so unwilling to get soaked, that I stay home.

The boys were at school, so it was down to me and Lila today. We sat on the couch and engaged in our new ritual of snuggling and watching American Idol.

This child loves music. It really fills my heart to know that music fills hers. I feel like every day with these kids is like opening a present. I never know what part of their personalities, what new interest will emerge, what new talent will make an appearance.

I feel so grateful for rainy couch mornings like these, and at the same time I feel overwhelming guilt at my unproductivity. Where's the balance?

Sometimes, much more often than I might like, I am overwhelmed by motherhood. I waver from wanting to rip all the hairs out of my head to wondering who out there was crazy enough to leave me in charge of these three little humans.

But then Lila's little ears hear music and her little body starts to shimmy.

Cole tells Mason that he's his best friend.

Mason draws a little stick figure picture of himself and Daddy. And he even writes their names on the page.

And I feel a little better about myself, a little more convinced that I might be doing something right.

I feel so lucky for this gift of time with them. I feel lucky to be staying home with them. As often as I want to run away, I also want to run home.

Our children are on loan from God.

Too bad the laundry isn't on loan, too.

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